i love him so much... im literally learning blender to 3d model his room... i need an autistic boston hockey boy right now...

follow my twitter + bluesky at @wannabeyourdog2 and check out my website for all of my stories here <3
___

I’ve been hyper-fixating on the strangest thing recently.

Of course I’ve had my fair share of odd special interests, the type where you look down at 6 PM and you look up at 4 AM starving with a migraine and you didn’t even notice the time that passed. I’ve had them all. Papa’s Pizzeria, isopods, PaRappa the Rapper, evidence of Aliens, diner menus, ice, everything. If you can think it, I probably had a two month long phase where that was the only thing in the world I could think about. There’s a very consistent way they work – I get something new recommended to me on Reddit or Youtube or in a book and I jump down the rabbit hole of that thing until it makes up every fiber of my being. After two months, pretty consistently, I feel that thing slipping away from me and I am filled with deep longing until the next thing comes around.

And boy has the next thing come around.

I will preface this by saying that I am not a very horny person. I have needs like every other dog, but I just don’t get those urges as often as everyone else. Maybe once a week I jerk off, at that. I never really had the drive to get any in high school like everyone else did and I still don’t particularly have that urge now. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, it’s just how I’m programmed.

My most recent special interest, backcountry navigation, recently ended in a fiery explosion when I asked my dad to drive me to the middle of the woods with a compass and a ham sandwich and I had to get back home with no assistance. I got home at 3 AM covered with scratches all over my body and I slept until 5 PM the next day. I’m not saying it wasn’t fun – every second of it was exhilarating, really – but it is definitely over. I always have to be careful, because I know the next thing I get interested in is going to take over my life.

It started a few days ago. It just so happened to have been a week or so since I last jerked off and I felt it in my body. That feeling where you wake up with an erection and it just won’t go away as hard as you try, where the rest of the day is twinged with horniness because of it. I had the day free from any responsibilities, so like any good dog does, I pulled up some Reddit porn and took my dick out of my briefs. Aggressively normal, right?

I don’t really know how to describe it. I was at my desk in my Bruins jersey with my dick poking out of my briefs and I had the whole day to myself. Perfect set up to crank one out. But when I was looking at the porn, it felt like I was seeing past it, Matrix-style. Let’s just say it was the least horny I’ve ever been while looking at porn.

I watched porn for hours. That’s not the kind of dog I am, okay? I may not really have a job and I might sit around all day doing nothing, but I’m not jerking off all day. I wasn’t even jerking off that day either. I was thinking about how people film porn, how they advertise it, how they come up with different things to post each day. What makes a dick pic a good dick pic – what distinguishes a grungy, low-quality image from a masterpiece that transcends porn, and why sometimes the former is the one you want to get off to. The politics of topping and bottoming as opposed to being a dominant and a submissive as opposed to having male genitals and female genitals, how the sets are intertwined by society but really have nothing to do with each other. Big dick politics. Why wearing socks makes it straight. Society’s obsession with getting caught, with being in public, with parking your car in the parking lot and going at it while hoping somebody notices.

I forgot I was supposed to be touching myself at a certain point, so I was just sitting there staring at my laptop, my flaccid dick hanging out of my briefs. I took the laptop back to my bed and continued there under the covers, thinking about sex for hours until I got a text from Houston and I was back in the real world.

I so wanted to blab about sex to him that day. I wanted to ask him a million questions – what did he think about porn? What did he think about sex? Was he a top or a bottom? Why is that? – but we’ve never so much talked about relationships in general and I think asking intimate details about his sex life might have been a step too far. He’s always been great about listening to me talk about the things I’m interested in, but this is definitely past that. How do I even go about explaining that I want to know if he’d take it in the back not because I was sexually interested in that but because it’s a fascinating concept in general? We talked about hockey that day, the other thing I can blab about forever, but sex was still, of course, in the back of my head.

I’ve never had sex before. That never bothered me very much. I was a little too “weird” in high school to be getting any, but I’m not sure I particularly wanted to anyway. Something about it is way too personal for me, even the most impersonal gas station cruising or Grindr hookup. But this past week has been different. I’ve been thinking about sex so much. In every position, in every place, with everybody of every genitals. I’ve always called myself gay, but I was looking at straight porn this week and it’s like something clicked in my head.

In my mind, it’s not me having sex. Sex is happening and my entity is purview to it. On the internet, that means watching porn or reading smut. In real life, that means having sex yourself. I don’t mind having sex like that, for some reason. The idea sounds like a lot of fun. Like I’d learn a lot.

This is perhaps the nerdiest sentiment I’ve ever expressed, but I’ve been working on a spreadsheet of sex acts I’d like to try. I really truly deeply understand that that’s not normal, but I really don’t care. The same way that people go to parties and try to find pretty people to take home with every inch of their soul, I made this spreadsheet with every inch of my soul.

There are three columns. The first is a sex act. The second is a link to porn featuring the sex act (I know, I know). The third is a check box – completed or not completed?

Here are the items in the first couple of columns:

Mutual masturbation
Handjob (single and double pawed)
Oral
Thigh job
Frottage
Doggy style
Missionary
Cowboy
69ing

Et cetera. It’s perhaps the most pedantic thing I’ve ever written out. I originally only made the spreadsheet to catalog sex acts period, but along the way I figured that the only way I’d really understand what they’re like is to try all of them myself. It kind of became a bucket list, but it’s not like I particularly want to do them. I’m not sure that distinction makes sense – I’d like to know what all of these things are like but it’s not to fulfill any personal sexual gratification. Whether or not I’m ever going to do that remains to be seen.

I’ve spent today perfecting my spreadsheet and texting back and forth with Houston.

HOUSTON:
I noticed ur not into backcountry navigation anymore

Nothing at all abt it on reddit

ASHER:
I knowwww

So sad

It will always hold a special place in my heart

HOUSTON:
What happened????

ASHER:
That was just its time

I’m sure it will help me one day if I find myslsef lost in the woods

HOUSTON:
We can go camping

And ill leave you behind

ASHER:
Yippee!

HOUSTON:
Anything new

Or r u just on a hockey kick again

ASHER:
Ummmm

It’s a little weird

HOUSTON:
What is it

U don’t have to tell me LOL if u dont want

ASHER:
Ok but when I say it’s weird I mean it’s weird

It’s not like cute weird like when I was into Vermont or the Wordle

It’s just weird

HOUSTON:
Dude das ok

Cmooon ive heard the rest of them

Pleeeease

ASHER:
Ok you asked

Sex

HOUSTON:
SEX?!?!?!?!!

Dude

ASHER:
I told u!!!!!

HOUSTON:
No u did tell me

Hahahaha no it’s totally fine it’s not that that that weird

U could have said like

Ax murdering in the woods

And i would have been like yeah that’s my friend asher he’s so fun and loves getting active outside

What’s the story

ASHER:
Ummm idk it’s weird

I mean i said that already but idk might be too much information

Tell me if u don’t wanna hear

HOUSTON:
I’ll tell u if i ever get uncomfy, ok?

Don’t worry

I explain to him the whole story. I leave in the details about sitting down to jerk off, about sitting there for hours and forgetting I was going to masturbate, about the hours I’ve spent over the last few days thinking about it. He occasionally interjects with a bewildered question but never asks me to stop, so I figure he’s comfortable with it.

HOUSTON:
Wow

Holy cow

That’s so fun hehehehehe

ASHER:
Can I send you my spreadsheet?

HOUSTON:
Spreadsheet 👀

U r so freakin dedicated man

I send it over, then stare at my paws until he responds. I love texting Houston so much – it’s one of the reasons I wake up in the morning, really. He’s my best friend. The response doesn’t come in as quick as I was expecting – I really hope I didn’t cross a boundary right now.

ASHER:
Sorry if that was too much

We don’t need to talk about it anymore

HOUSTON:
No

That’s all he writes for a few seconds, and I almost turn my computer off from the tower in embarrassment. This is the one boundary we’ve never really crossed and I just crossed it and it went badly. I want to die.

But then he continues.

HOUSTON:
Soo…. u wanna do all this stuff?

ASHER:
Wellllll

Short answer is yes

I go on to explain the long answer, which takes so much wording to turn into something I can express over text. It makes perfect sense in my brain, not so much typed out. Houston seems to get it, though – we both agree that I want to do it in an impersonal way, but not for the typical reasons sex might be impersonal.

HOUSTON:
Hehehehe

It’s a long list

I know u like… haven’t done anything w anyone yet

What do u think ur gonna do?

ASHER:
I don’t know!

I guess find someone who wants to do it haha

HOUSTON:
WDYM

Like what’s ur criteria I guess im asking

ASHER:
Ohhh

Nothing really

If someone wanted to do it with me I’d do it

As long as we both consented then it would be ok!

HOUSTON:
Like anyone anyone?

ASHER:
Pretty much

I mean someone my age near me lol but that’s pedantic

He takes a while to respond to this. I don’t think I’ve lost him this time but I’m not sure what he’s writing – maybe a list of people who really need to scrupulously go through a list of sex acts. I’m expecting an essay in response like I’ve been giving him – his response is a lot shorter than I thought.

HOUSTON:
I’d do it LOL

If u want

Oh! I like that idea a lot. Houston’s a very physically affectionate person and he’s probably the person I’m closest to emotionally and physically, so that gap wouldn’t be as hard to bridge as it might be with a stranger. We already know everything about each other so this wouldn’t be weird at all. I know he has some sexual experience, which is nice. He could drive over and we could try a couple of things and see how it feels. I like it!

ASHER:
Yeah!

If you wanted to I think that would be fun

If ur serious

HOUSTON:
I am I am

Yeah yeah yeah

I grin and flap my paws a little more. Maybe I will get to explore this a little deeper than I’d get just by watching porn.

HOUSTON:
What would u wanna do?

I mean u have a long long list LOL

IDK I could just come over sometime and we could chill

See what we get around to?

ASHER:
Maybe on friday after your classes?

HOUSTON:
Yeah we could do it then

That sounds good

ASHER:
Yay!

My dad will be at work so we’d have my room to ourselves

HOUSTON:
Cool cool cool

Yeah okay that sounds like a plan dude

ASHER:
Thank you sm for helping me with this

I know my interests can be a lot sometimes so I always appreciate that ur into them to

HOUSTON:
Dude totally

Any time

I gotta head to bed now but we’ll text tmmr?

And then hang friday?

ASHER:
Yeah

We’ll do it!

Goodnight!

HOUSTON
Goodnight asher <3 <3 <3